How an A- Ruined My Life

I can't remember the last time I completely engaged myself in something that I love. As an adult, its hard to find time to sit down and relax, let alone do something you enjoy. Well, maybe that's just me. Remind me never to have kids. Even in this moment, I'm writing this, researching internship opportunities, talking to my mother in TN, checking my email, and taking notes while sitting in my less than enthralling finance class. I wish I could say it's simply a lack of concentration, but unfortunately it always seems to be a lack of time. Yes, writing on here and talking to my mother are not necessities, but every once in a while it isn't a bad idea. 

So my question is, when did this happen? When did every waking moment become a struggle to multitask. And when did I become okay with abandoning the few things in life than I actually enjoyed? I wont lie, I am very upset with myself for that but I think my biggest fear now is that I can't get it back. I remember even in high school having certain teachers tell me to slow down and enjoy life, but I didn't listen and my parents sure as hell didn't care. It's no secret that my parents are less than successful. My mother just recently started looking for work and my father continues to coast off of his unemployment checks since the company shut down. And for two people who never went to college, they sure were hard on me for my grades. Most will say that they just wanted better for me than they had, but I find that hard to believe. 

I was talking to someone today about a very strong memory I had of my freshman year of high school. I was enrolled in a class called PUPs which was a parenting class where you actually watched children twice a week. We were required to turn in weekly reflections and I missed one of them. Damn those online grade websites. As soon as my mom could, she called my teacher asking why my grade was an A-. My teacher even recognized the stupidity in the situation, pulled me aside and asked me what my parents issue was. I passed it off as nothing, because it really was nothing new. 

You want to know what Ryan's earliest memory of me is? He remembers me crying in 6th grade because I got a B on my math test and was afraid of my parent's reactions. No they didn't physically beat me or anything of that sort, but man did they make me feel as stupid as could be. I hate to be one of those overemotional bitches that complains about their parents ruining their lives, but I feel that the way I was raised still seriously impacts my thoughts and actions. And I wish I could say it was a good thing.

To this day, I still avoid the topic of grades with my parents if at all possible. If necessary, I'll lie because its easier than arguing that I'm paying for school with my own money and that I am truly an adult. They don't care and quite frankly, I don't care much about their opinions anymore. With that said, I still hold myself to ridiculous expectations in just about everything. I broke down and cried over collecting a counterfeit bill at work, just because I feel like I should have known better. School and work are the biggest stressors yet and I am constantly on edge due to feelings of failure. 

My tip to you is this; Don't let work and school run your life! Yes, they are very important and should be a priority in your life but do not abandon the sports you play, the activities you enjoy. Do not let them rob you of your childhood. I let this become my life. When it comes down to it, I am responsible for everything I have done. Get ahead when you can, work hard when you should. But don't be so afraid to crash and burn that you forget how to live. I made that mistake, and now I can't go back.

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My Voice or Lack Thereof

For most the people I associate myself with today, I don't feel many really understand by obsession with music. I'm guessing that's due to my inability to name every song on an album or not liking the appropriate genres. Another fact as I'm sure most have picked up, I love to sing. I have always loved to sing even when I was a toddler singing along to The Little Mermaid soundtrack. As soon as I was able, I joined my school choir in 3rd grade at Holy Ghost. The lyrics were a bit religious for my taste, but I still embraced it because I got to do something I loved. I still remember getting excited over being able to sing a solo at the podium on the altar, but I'm getting off topic. Through all of middle school, I not only did concerts and competitions with the school choir but also sang for the talent show multiple times. Either they didn't want to hurt my feelings or I wasn't all that bad. Unfortunately in high school I had no time to take chorus as my schedule was too full of AP classes and work. Along with many other things I enjoyed doing, life got in the way and I had to give it up.

I have over the years gotten much, much worse; which aggravates more than anyone will know. I used to take pride in my voice when people would compliment my solo and ensemble performance or the duets my best friend and I used to sing for fun. In all honestly, I still sing a-lot. And not just on the car rides to and from school. I actually record myself in the hope that I can hear my flaws and try to get my voice back up to par. I don't really know why I can't be ignorant enough to just sing for fun, but I feel like I have to be good at it to. I'm not really working toward anything but there's nothing wrong with having a little pride? A girl can dream.

Well this rant has gone on long enough. Back to looking up karaoke versions of songs no one's heard of and enjoying that little bit of bliss in singing your favorite songs.

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Empaths, Narcissists and the Fear of Telepathy

Many years ago I had an experience I will never forget. Over the years only a few people have ever learned of this experience and I'm sure even fewer really believe it, especially as I'm not so sure about it myself. Most people know what a psychic or a medium is; and who hasn't dreamed of having telepathic powers. Now let me ask you another question. Have you ever heard of an empath? Yeah...neither had I until one day when a strange individual accused me of possessing such an ability. 

Now a flashback into my past may bring out a bit of a believer in you. First, I have always been an emotional individual. And no, I don't just mean that in a feminine regard where I cry over every small situation. For most of my childhood, I was isolated. I was an only child, with little interaction with my family, and absolutely no friends. Once I developed a couple strong friends, that all changed but that's a story for another day. Despite that lack of friendship, I was often the outlet for the people around me. One I was in high school, being the supportive friend became a nightmare. I had had it happen before where I would become so overwhelmed with several situations that even the littlest thing would set me off into episodes of sheer panic. Yeah, we've all had breakdowns but usually its our own lives that bring about the stress. For me, it was everyone around me that drove my levels of fear and anger through the roof, even when my life was fairly stable. Of course through the mediocre teaching of social psychology did basic classes formed the ideas in my head that I was psychologically screwed up. Turns out, I was just never able to distinguish my situation from the people around me. But that's the person I became. I felt that my only worth, that my purpose in life was to take on the emotions of others in order to relieve the emotional stress that they were experiencing.

I believe it was my sophomore year of high school when I first began to really talk to a boy named Justin Hernandez. He was a huge dork that though he was cool because he knew two martial arts moves, and basically we'd give each other a hard time when passing in the halls or goofing off in gym class. Pretty typical right? That is until Justin began to open up to me; and trust me, those were flood gates that could not be closed. This boy's past tore me apart in every aspect. I knew that I wanted to take on those emotions and be committed to helping him with all that he experienced. We used to talk for hours about anything and everything. I made myself vulnerable to him and he took advantage. Shortly after we started having these deep conversations did he ask me if I knew what an empath was. As most respond, I told him I had no idea. Surprised was I when he claimed that this emotional baggage I carried all these years what due to the fact that I was an empath. An individual that was made to help those in need. He called me an angel, made to take on the fear and pain of others.

I did my own research as any skeptical teenager does, and I finally felt like there was an explanation for all the unexplained fear I held onto in my life. Even random stranger have approached me, spilling their life stories of fear of being disowned and unloved. That was something I could never explain. And he told me, that he would work with me, teach me how to control it. For a long time, I believed he had my best interest at heart. He used to throw the most awful situations in my face and tell me to explain my reflection and feelings I received when given these situations. I used to shake and cry at night because he'd start and wouldn't let me stop. He just kept piling on the emotions, his emotions that he no longer wanted to suppress because he had someone else to put them on. And those were the things I couldn't see at least not for some time.

There was one evening that really made me fearful of my abilities, provided I had any at all. But even this situation goes beyond explanation. He described the setting and told me to imagine that night through his 5 year old eyes. He said he asked his dad for a glass of water. I responded with the next piece of the story as his father's drunken rage sent a slap across his face, my face. Again he began as he explains his dogs attempt to protect him, only to be beaten as well. Soon he returned to his room, and you could hear that someone was home. It didn't but a moment to know it was his now dead mother that walked straight into the blind rage of her husband. The image of her blood on the floor still burns in my mind.

From that point on, I knew I needed to abandon him. His narcissistic ways were only for personal gain. It made him feel better to take advantage and unload his emotions onto me as where I had no outlet. To this day, this situation has stuck with me. I've overcome many fears and trust issues that came of this but it made me question my purpose. I still question what my purpose on this Earth if I even have one. 

To anyone who reads this, please don't judge me for it. In all honesty, I don't know if my young, naive ways drove me down such a destructive past or if I can truly be defined as an "empath" or whatever claims can be made. All I know is that I have worked so hard to give myself enough space so that I could tackle my own issues before taking on those of others.

And I just want to take a second to thank the few, unbelievable people I have in my life. You may never read this, but I hope that you know that you are the only reason that I am as strong as I am today. Thank you.

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