I can't remember the last time I completely engaged myself in something that I love. As an adult, its hard to find time to sit down and relax, let alone do something you enjoy. Well, maybe that's just me. Remind me never to have kids. Even in this moment, I'm writing this, researching internship opportunities, talking to my mother in TN, checking my email, and taking notes while sitting in my less than enthralling finance class. I wish I could say it's simply a lack of concentration, but unfortunately it always seems to be a lack of time. Yes, writing on here and talking to my mother are not necessities, but every once in a while it isn't a bad idea.
So my question is, when did this happen? When did every waking moment become a struggle to multitask. And when did I become okay with abandoning the few things in life than I actually enjoyed? I wont lie, I am very upset with myself for that but I think my biggest fear now is that I can't get it back. I remember even in high school having certain teachers tell me to slow down and enjoy life, but I didn't listen and my parents sure as hell didn't care. It's no secret that my parents are less than successful. My mother just recently started looking for work and my father continues to coast off of his unemployment checks since the company shut down. And for two people who never went to college, they sure were hard on me for my grades. Most will say that they just wanted better for me than they had, but I find that hard to believe.
I was talking to someone today about a very strong memory I had of my freshman year of high school. I was enrolled in a class called PUPs which was a parenting class where you actually watched children twice a week. We were required to turn in weekly reflections and I missed one of them. Damn those online grade websites. As soon as my mom could, she called my teacher asking why my grade was an A-. My teacher even recognized the stupidity in the situation, pulled me aside and asked me what my parents issue was. I passed it off as nothing, because it really was nothing new.
You want to know what Ryan's earliest memory of me is? He remembers me crying in 6th grade because I got a B on my math test and was afraid of my parent's reactions. No they didn't physically beat me or anything of that sort, but man did they make me feel as stupid as could be. I hate to be one of those overemotional bitches that complains about their parents ruining their lives, but I feel that the way I was raised still seriously impacts my thoughts and actions. And I wish I could say it was a good thing.
To this day, I still avoid the topic of grades with my parents if at all possible. If necessary, I'll lie because its easier than arguing that I'm paying for school with my own money and that I am truly an adult. They don't care and quite frankly, I don't care much about their opinions anymore. With that said, I still hold myself to ridiculous expectations in just about everything. I broke down and cried over collecting a counterfeit bill at work, just because I feel like I should have known better. School and work are the biggest stressors yet and I am constantly on edge due to feelings of failure.
My tip to you is this; Don't let work and school run your life! Yes, they are very important and should be a priority in your life but do not abandon the sports you play, the activities you enjoy. Do not let them rob you of your childhood. I let this become my life. When it comes down to it, I am responsible for everything I have done. Get ahead when you can, work hard when you should. But don't be so afraid to crash and burn that you forget how to live. I made that mistake, and now I can't go back.
